Today I read an article that hits so far home it is crazy! The article is called “Being Odd Woman Out: The Curse of Infertility.” Being someone who has gone through infertility for the last year and half, I have had some major up’s and downs. It seems as though everyone around me is having a baby or has had a baby. At first it didn’t bug me too much, I was sooo happy for that person, after a while it really starts to add to the hurt and anger I have with my body.
Although my friends are NOT the ones excluding me from their lives by any means, I have started to exclude myself. I love my friend’s children, but seeing my friends being parents is hard because I don’t have that and I have NO clue when I ever will. I am not writing this for a pity party because I do not want or need that! I want people to understand when I don’t do things you may invite me to.
If I don’t go to your baby shower, chances are it isn’t because I don’t want to be around you or don’t care enough to go. I can’t handle it! The last baby shower I went to was the hardest day I have had during this so far. Trying to pretend you’re happy and fighting back the tears is HARD. I don’t want to be that Debbie downer and I don’t want others to know that I am having a hard time with this particular situation. I know how happy you are and this day needs to be filled with happiness, so please don’t get offended when I don’t come to the baby shower.
When I avoid conversations like how breast feeding hurts, how you’re tired because you were up with the baby at 2 in morning, or anything like that, it isn’t because I don’t care. It is because I want that and would give the world to be in your shoes. I long for the night where I don’t get any sleep because my baby kept me up or how my baby threw up on me after a feeding. So please understand that I care, I just can’t talk about those things at the moment.
No one needs to walk on eggshells or even avoid the conversations about this topic all together, but if I start to divert the conversation you now know why. I will let you know if I don’t want to talk about certain things. If I choose not to come to your baby shower you know it isn’t anything personal with you, it is the simple fact of me not wanting to ruin your day.